How to Fix America's Midlife Male Friendship Crisis

It's commonly believed that male friendships are facing a crisis in middle age. Many experts and people at social gatherings seem to agree on this issue. As a society, we often assume that men generally become increasingly isolated as they grow older, which can have negative effects on their health and those around them. However, maybe we should ask: Is male friendship in crisis in middle age?

“ Receiving those messages over and over could leave a man feeling down in the dumps about his life. On the other hand, it could also serve as a wake-up call to make some positive changes.”

In the US, men tend to have less experience expressing themselves openly about their emotions, needs, and expectations. Men are often encouraged to develop these social skills through their friendships, but they don't learn them in the same way that women often do through their social networks, which include relationships with wives, girlfriends, sisters, and mothers.

While it's true that making new or deeper connections with men can be tough, especially as one gets into their 40s or older, there's a growing number of men who recognize the value of forming strong, meaningful relationships with other guys.

During our late teens and twenties, many men commonly bond with each other through sports, socializing at night, or engaging in activities like playing cards or pool. These shared experiences foster camaraderie and create lasting memories. As we enter adulthood and establish careers, relationships, and begin to think about starting a family, our friends become a tight support group, or "posse," that is there for us every step of the way.

A German-born entrepreneur, Christian Duerr, says he didn't make the effort to keep up with many friendships from his youth. Despite this, his three closest male friends are all guys he knew back then. He states, "One of my best friends today is someone I met when I was twelve. He's like a brother to me – I can talk about anything with him." Duerr also notes, "Although I could never get my three best friends together in the same room as they're all so different, they wouldn't get along, they're all important to me."

Duerr is now a divorced father of two who's in a new relationship. And he admits that at sixty, he hasn't really built a new social circle in his adult life as a resident in New York, where his close friends are still overseas.

It's often thought that many men don't delve deeper and form meaningful connections with other guys as they grow older. Infrequently will guys sit down and discuss their problems, such as erectile dysfunction or feelings of inadequacy about their jobs. The typical American male has been taught to be self-reliant, self-sufficient, and composed, rather than vulnerable or insecure.

The degree to which we're able to open up to others is shaped by our family background and the social, cultural, religious, and ethnic contexts we're raised in. Many American men develop a tough exterior, but they're beginning to understand that this doesn't necessarily contribute to their overall mental health.

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Ask men in their 40s and 50s if they have any new guy friends and they'll often say they only meet other men through the social lives their wives or partners plan. Or they might know dads from their kids' sports teams, or they're pals with men they work with as they're building their careers.

Many of these relationships are superficial and lack a genuine emotional connection, and they often dissolve as the kids move on to adulthood or as careers start to slow down.

A man's idea is that guys like to keep things casual and fun, whereas women have much deeper relationships with their female friends," Kevin O'Malley, a former hedge fund manager says. "In his opinion, it's not the same type of closeness that women share with their close female friends. When heavier topics come up, men are there for support and guidance, but it's a different experience than what women have, who are involved in just about every major decision their close friends make.

As men typically age into their fifties and older, they often find themselves with fewer and fewer close male friendships, which can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and depression as people are living longer lifespans.

According to research conducted by the boutique ad agency Berlin Cameron and the research and strategy firm BSG, 44 percent of men in corporate jobs stated that "being at work" is the loneliest time of the day, and they tend to be significantly less likely than women to seek support from friends when facing work-related challenges.

According to Pew Research, 27% of men aged fifty to sixty-four are currently single, while 21% of men aged sixty-five and over are single. With life expectancy nearing eighty, many men may not remarry, underscoring the significance of friendships and community ties. This is especially true for married men as well.

I've seen this phenomenon play out in my own family. My dad had many close male friends while I was growing up, and they were all connected to his job. However, after he retired, those friendships seemed to fade away, and I don't think he has a single close male friend anymore. Today, he relies heavily on his wife for social interaction.

It's the same with my brother Matt. A father of three grown sons, it's actually his wife Debbie who creates their social life.

I recently sent a text to my brother Joe to ask him about his male friends and I received a reply that had me a little concerned, which read, "I have no friends." He's 60 and single, which doesn't really raise any red flags, but when he later clarified that he indeed has six close friends he keeps in his favorite contacts list, things started to seem a little strange. My next question was how often he hangs out with them, and his response was pretty unassuring - he said "almost never."

I've made a conscious effort to expand my social circle and form new friendships with men in midlife who share similar interests. For instance, I've connected with Keith, a fellow marathon runner, and Marty, a hiker. Notably, we met each other for the first time when I was in my fifties, but by 2023, the three of us had worked up to doing a nine-day trek to Everest Base Camp, followed by running the Tenzing Hillary Everest marathon.

We were physically and emotionally drained, but we found comfort in each other, sharing feelings and thoughts that we might not reveal in other social situations, like a casual dinner. This led to meaningful conversations about our personal lives, insecurities, aspirations, and the uncertainty of our time here. Ultimately, we formed a lifelong connection, knowing that we can trust each other enough to be ourselves, no matter what challenges we face.

Craig Shirley, sixty-one years old, is a former CEO of a semiconductor services firm in the Silicon Valley area. He is married and a father of three children. Upon the sale of his company, he chose to retire from the daily workforce.

“When I retired, my first project was redoing the wiring and labeling cables under my staircase over the course of four months. I really enjoy working alone, but I've found that if my wife doesn't take care of social arrangements for us, my mental health begins to take a hit," he said.

When Shirley recognized that he had no close male friends, he decided to take action and figure out how he could change that situation. As an enthusiastic motorcycle enthusiast, he concentrated on finding a group to share this interest with. He also explored golf, a new sport for him.

I wasn't an athlete in school, so I've decided to try something new, even if it makes me a bit nervous.

Instead, Shirley chose to take a different approach. Rather than keeping it all at the surface level, he says he now shares his feelings with other men he meets. “I shared my concerns with another golfer about taking on this new sport at this stage of my life. It created a deeper level of connection with him,” he says.

How can men in midlife learn to overcome outdated ways of relating to each other and form deeper connections? Often, it occurs through adversity, serious health issues, or critical life-threatening situations such as war.

When my friend Steve was really devastated after his marriage fell apart at the age of fifty, it made him realize he needed some support. He broke down in tears in my arms while talking about his loss, and we had some incredibly in-depth conversations about things like love, loss, sadness, and what really matters in life ended up pulling us together.

Shirley said that when a male friend of his with cancer shared that he loved him, it inspired Shirley to reciprocate those feelings. This genuine and empathetic response strengthened their emotional connection.

Sean Galla, who describes himself as the founder and facilitator, has created an organization called MENSGROUP, an online community for men. This community provides dedicated support groups for men dealing with divorce, coping with infidelity, porn addiction, and other relevant issues. With over 200 monthly meetings, men can participate in the group that best addresses their concerns.

“We’ve worked with thousands of guys and 92 percent of them have told us that they don’t have any friends to talk to,” says Galla, adding that, “Guys have not been shown how to come together to work on their personal issues.”

Galla's groups consist mainly of men between the ages of thirty-five and sixty, and maintain confidentiality so that men can practice being vulnerable among themselves. "The biggest concern most men have is coming across as weak," says Galla.

There are other men's groups that adopt their own approach, such as Secret Sons, ManKind Project, and Evryman, all designed to enable men to form meaningful connections with one another and foster lasting friendships.

Todd Davis, 59, a successful real estate broker in Laguna Beach and surrounding areas and co-owner of a high-end vacation rental company in Santa Fe met his five best friends later in life, between the ages of forty-five and forty-nine.

Davis says that Chris, his male partner of 37 years, is his absolute best friend. The rest of his friends he met through work, and they are both straight and gay. He claims that there's no real difference in what he discusses with each of them.

An article called "Can Gay and Straight Men Really Be Friends?" found that "bromosexual" friendships are alive and well. In a survey of 350 straight men and 275 gay or bisexual men, the vast majority reported having at least one friend who was of a different sexual orientation.

Many of the straight men reported having more emotionally open discussions with their gay friend because they felt more comfortable doing so.

Some people say that friendships between men are becoming more meaningful and less superficial. That shift is partly due to the influence of role models like fathers, uncles, teachers, coaches, and older men who show men that deeper connections are possible.

My nephew Andy, a former Marine who deployed to Iraq twice and was part of the fights in Fallujah, is a great model for his approach as a father. He's someone who sets a new standard by being affectionate with his sons and telling them that he loves them. He's also okay with them showing emotions and being sensitive, in addition to being athletic and successful students.

Duerr advised his twenty-something-year-old son to cultivate his friendships and make an effort to build stronger bonds with others. Building a new generation of men who value close relationships, beyond just attending sporting events together, is beneficial not only for men themselves, but also for their families, communities, and society at large.

For those of us in midlife, showing off to other men and the younger guys in our lives that we can form close connections with each other will create different kinds of stories in the future. A headline I'd like to see? "The era of new male friendships in midlife has arrived."

We're in this together, and it'll be a more enjoyable journey if we have more people to share it with as we progress.